Relationships often bring us face-to-face with one of the trickiest questions: Where do their struggles end and mine begin? It’s easy to get tangled in the belief that someone else’s behaviors, emotions, or challenges are solely “their problem.” But if you’ve ever found yourself feeling frustrated, hurt, or even deeply affected by what someone else is going through, you’ve likely noticed how blurred the lines can become.

How do we separate what’s theirs from what’s ours? More importantly, how do we hold compassion for their struggles without losing sight of our own—or vice versa?

The Overlap of Struggles

No relationship exists in isolation. Whether it’s a partnership, family bond, or friendship, each person’s emotions and behaviors impact the other. When someone close to you is going through something difficult, it can stir parts of you that feel protective, critical, or even overwhelmed. This overlap is natural, but it can make it hard to distinguish where their “stuff” ends and yours begins.

For example:

• Your partner’s frustration might trigger your sense of inadequacy.

• A friend’s avoidance might stir feelings of rejection within you.

• A parent’s constant worry might awaken your resentment—or guilt.

When this happens, it’s easy to blame them for what you’re feeling or to dismiss their struggles as “their problem.” But what if both realities are true at the same time?

Their Struggles, Your Responses

When someone else’s behaviors affect us, it often activates parts of ourselves that carry our own unresolved struggles. This doesn’t mean their actions are okay or that their emotions aren’t real—it means our reactions are just as worthy of exploration.

Imagine this:

• Your partner seems distant. Instead of labeling it as their problem, you pause and ask yourself, What’s coming up for me here?

• A friend lashes out unexpectedly. Instead of reacting with judgment, you might ask, What might they be carrying right now? And what am I carrying in response?

This process doesn’t require you to take on their struggles as your own. Instead, it invites you to hold both realities with curiosity: theirs and yours.

Moving Forward with Compassion

So how do we hold space for both their struggles and our own? It starts with understanding and extends into mindful action.

1. Pause and Reflect

When tension arises, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself:

• What’s mine in this situation?

• What might be theirs?

• How are these two things interacting right now?

This simple step can soften the urge to react and create space for a more thoughtful response.

2. See the Struggles Without Judgment

Judgment is a protective response—it makes us feel like we’re on solid ground. But often, it builds walls instead of bridges. What happens if you try to view the other person’s struggle as simply their story unfolding rather than something to fix or criticize?

Similarly, what if you approached your own feelings with the same nonjudgmental curiosity? Instead of thinking, Why am I like this? try asking, What part of me is speaking right now, and what does it need?

3. Communicate With Care

Compassionate connection doesn’t mean ignoring boundaries or minimizing your own needs. It means speaking with honesty and care. For example:

• I see you’re struggling right now, and I want to support you. I also need to take a little time to process how I’m feeling.

• This is hard for both of us. How can we move through this together?

These kinds of conversations require vulnerability, but they also create opportunities for deeper understanding.

4. Allow Room for Imperfection

No one navigates relationships perfectly—not you, not them. Both of you will stumble, miscommunicate, or act from old wounds at times. Compassion means allowing room for these imperfections while staying committed to moving forward with care.

5. Focus on the Bigger Picture

When conflicts arise, it’s easy to zoom in on the immediate problem and lose sight of the larger context. Step back and remind yourself:

• We’re both human, doing the best we can with what we’ve been given.

• Our struggles are different, but they’re both valid.

This perspective can soften the edges of conflict and foster mutual empathy.

Walking Together Through the Messiness

Relationships are messy because humans are messy. But within that messiness lies the opportunity for connection—not through perfect harmony, but through shared compassion.

You don’t have to solve their struggles for them, just as they can’t solve yours. What you can do is meet each other with care, acknowledging that both of you are carrying something difficult. This doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs or tolerating harm; it means approaching each situation with a balance of honesty, boundaries, and understanding.

When we hold both “what’s theirs” and “what’s ours” with compassion, we create space for healing—not just for ourselves, but for the relationship as a whole. Together, we can navigate the complexities of life, honoring each other’s humanity while staying grounded in our own.

Embracing Shadows, Illuminating Hope,
Chelsey Fjeldheim, LCSW
Empowering Souls on the Path of Healing

Copyright © 2025 Chelsey Fjeldheim, Courage Speaks Counseling