When we enter relationships, especially when we’re unhealed, it’s easy to question the foundation of what brought us together. We might have been drawn in by patterns of trauma, insecurity, or unmet needs. These patterns can sometimes cloud our judgment, leading us to choose partners who reflect our wounds rather than our strengths. It’s a familiar story: seeking comfort in what’s known, even if it’s not what’s best.
But does this mean that the relationship itself is flawed or doomed because it was born out of our unhealed selves? Not necessarily.
**Recognizing Patterns**
The first step in understanding this dynamic is recognizing the patterns that brought us into the relationship in the first place. Perhaps we were looking for validation, security, or even a sense of control. These are natural human needs, but when they stem from a place of unhealed wounds, they can lead us to choices that aren’t entirely healthy.
However, just because a relationship started this way doesn’t mean it’s destined to fail or that it was the wrong choice. In fact, the very process of healing can transform both individuals and the relationship itself.
**The Journey of Healing Together**
As we begin to heal, we start to see ourselves and our partners in a new light. The needs that once felt so urgent may begin to shift. What was once a source of pain can become a source of growth. Healing allows us to approach our relationships with more clarity, compassion, and understanding.
This doesn’t mean that the relationship wasn’t “right” before—it simply means that we’ve grown. The relationship has the potential to grow with us if both partners are willing to evolve together. This is where the real work begins.
**The Relationship as a Mirror**
Relationships often act as mirrors, reflecting back to us our deepest wounds and our greatest strengths. The fact that we chose each other during a time of unhealed patterns doesn’t diminish the value of the connection. Instead, it can be an opportunity for deep transformation. We may have been drawn together by our wounds, but we can choose to stay together for our growth.
**Choosing to Stay**
Deciding to stay in a relationship after healing some of the wounds that initially brought us together is a conscious choice. It’s an acknowledgment that while the relationship may have started from a place of pain, it can evolve into something much more meaningful. It’s about recognizing the potential for growth, both individually and as a couple.
It’s also important to remember that healing is an ongoing process. We will continue to uncover new layers of ourselves, and our relationships will continue to evolve. What matters is the willingness to face these changes together, to support each other in the journey, and to embrace the growth that comes with healing.
**Conclusion**
Getting into a relationship when we’re unhealed doesn’t mean the relationship is wrong. It simply means that we started from a place of vulnerability, which is a very human thing to do. As we heal, we have the opportunity to redefine our relationships, to let go of old patterns, and to build something that truly reflects our growth. The relationship can be right, not because it was perfect from the start, but because it has the potential to grow and heal alongside us.
Embracing Shadows, Illuminating Hope,
Chelsey Fjeldheim, LCSW
Empowering Souls on the Path of Healing
Copyright © 2024 Chelsey Fjeldheim, Courage Speaks Counseling
