Expectations are a natural part of being human, but they’re also the root of much of our disappointment. We all carry them—about how others should behave, how situations should unfold, even about how we *should* feel. But what happens when these expectations go unmet? Disappointment, frustration, and often a nagging sense that someone has let us down.
But what if the disappointment isn’t just about the other person? What if it also reflects our own struggles to live up to the expectations we set, not just for others, but for ourselves?
Take something as simple as, “I expect you to listen to me when I’m talking.” It’s a fair expectation in any relationship. But if we flip it inward: Do I listen to *you* when you’re talking? Do I listen to *others* when they speak? Do I even listen to *myself* when my inner voice is trying to get my attention? The truth is, holding someone to a standard we can’t consistently meet ourselves can be a setup for disappointment—on both sides.
Expectations can create a sense of pressure, not just on the person we’ve placed them on, but also within ourselves. When we expect something from others, it often stems from an unspoken belief that we should be able to meet those same expectations first. If I expect patience, am I consistently patient with others? If I expect understanding, do I regularly offer it? And when I fall short, does it lead me to feel not good enough?
This is where the disappointment cuts deeper—not just because someone else didn’t meet our expectation, but because it mirrors our own struggle to meet that expectation within ourselves. So often, it’s not a lack of love or effort from others that leads to disappointment; it’s our own difficulty in consistently embodying the very qualities we long for.
Talking to Our Parts: Understanding Ourselves Better
One powerful way to unravel these tangled expectations is by connecting with our internal parts. Each of us is made up of different parts—inner voices that carry different needs, fears, and desires. When an expectation isn’t met, it can be helpful to pause and ask: Which part of me is reacting here? Is it a part that feels unheard, dismissed, or inadequate? Is it a part that learned long ago that meeting certain expectations was a way to stay safe or be loved?
By getting curious and engaging with these parts, we can start to understand why certain expectations hold so much weight. For instance, maybe a part of you feels like others need to listen to you to prove you matter. That part might be carrying wounds from times you were dismissed or ignored in the past. Another part might be the perfectionist, setting impossibly high standards to protect against feelings of failure.
When we take the time to sit with these parts—really listen to them and understand where they’re coming from—we can begin to soften the intensity of the expectations they hold. Instead of expecting others to fill those unmet needs, we can offer compassion and validation to those parts ourselves.
This process of internal dialogue can shift how we approach both our own expectations and those we place on others. By understanding the needs beneath our expectations, we’re less likely to project them outward and more likely to meet those needs internally. As we do this, our relationships can feel lighter, less burdened by invisible demands, and more open to genuine connection.
Ultimately, our expectations are rooted in parts of us that simply want to feel seen, heard, and valued. By giving those parts the attention and care they’re seeking, we can navigate disappointment with greater understanding, leading to growth instead of resentment. We may find that the more we listen to ourselves, the more room we have to truly listen to—and connect with—others.
Embracing Shadows, Illuminating Hope,
Chelsey Fjeldheim, LCSW
Empowering Souls on the Path of Healing
Copyright © 2024 Chelsey Fjeldheim, Courage Speaks Counseling
