When it comes to intimacy, especially physical intimacy, there’s a complexity to human connection that’s as unique as each individual. Whether it’s differences in desire, comfort with sexual touch, or the ways we experience closeness, it’s natural for people to want different things—sometimes more, sometimes less, or something entirely different from what their partner does. These differences can feel deeply personal, leaving both people with hurt, frustration, or even shame when their needs don’t align.

How do we navigate this? With compassion—for ourselves and for others. The goal isn’t to “fix” anyone or to mold our desires to perfectly match another’s, but to deepen our understanding of what’s happening beneath the surface.

A Complex Layering of Needs

Desire isn’t just about the body; it’s intertwined with emotions, history, and even a sense of safety. One person may long for closeness as a way to feel loved or valued, while another may struggle with sexual touch because of past experiences or feelings of being overwhelmed. Neither response is wrong—it’s simply the result of what life has taught each of us about closeness and safety.

It’s important to see that sexual touch, while often framed as purely physical, is deeply emotional. When one person wants more and the other wants less, what they’re really saying often has less to do with the act itself and more to do with their internal world. For one, it might feel like a bid for connection. For the other, it might feel like too much, too fast, or not quite the kind of closeness they need. Neither position is about rejecting the other person, though it can often feel that way in the moment.

The Compassionate Approach

Understanding these dynamics starts with curiosity. Not judgment, not forcing, but genuine curiosity. What’s happening within you? What’s happening within them? Often, when we slow down, we notice that the gap between “I want more” and “I can’t give you more” isn’t so wide—it’s simply a matter of understanding the why behind the want.

Here’s how to begin:

1. Start with Yourself. What comes up for you in these moments? Is there a story running through your mind about what the other person’s response means about you? For example, does their “no” feel like rejection? Or does their “yes” feel like pressure? These reactions often have roots far deeper than the present moment, connected to how you’ve learned to seek or protect yourself from connection. Simply noticing this can bring clarity and even soften the intensity.
2. Hold Space for the Other Person. Just as your reactions are shaped by your life, theirs are too. What might be underneath their desire—or their hesitance? The more we make space for someone else’s experience without trying to fix or push them, the safer they feel. And safety is where intimacy thrives.
3. Focus on the Connection, Not the Outcome. Instead of trying to meet in the middle, try meeting in the moment. If touch feels too much for one person, are there other ways to connect that feel safer? Maybe it’s sharing words, spending time together, or even laughing over a shared memory. The goal is to nurture the bond, not to force the solution.
4. Speak Gently. Conversations about intimacy can feel charged, but they don’t have to be. It’s possible to say, “I’ve been feeling a bit distant and I miss you” or “It’s hard for me to feel ready for touch when I’m overwhelmed” without blame. When both people approach these conversations with kindness, it becomes easier to hear one another.

Bridging the Differences

Ultimately, intimacy isn’t about always getting it right. It’s about staying connected to yourself and the other person even when things feel complicated. The differences in desire or comfort don’t mean that connection isn’t possible—they’re an opportunity to deepen your understanding of one another and, by extension, yourself.

When we approach these moments with curiosity instead of expectation, something profound shifts. The other person stops feeling like a puzzle to solve or a wall to climb over, and we begin to see them simply as they are: a human being with a history, a heart, and a longing to connect, just like us.

So if you’re navigating these challenges, be gentle. You’re not alone in this, and you’re not failing. The road to intimacy is rarely straightforward, but with compassion—both for yourself and for others—you’ll find your way forward, one moment at a time.

Embracing Shadows, Illuminating Hope,
Chelsey Fjeldheim, LCSW
Empowering Souls on the Path of Healing

Copyright © 2025 Chelsey Fjeldheim, Courage Speaks Counseling