I recently had a couple of clients ask the question, “Is it okay to say you love your therapist?” as they expressed their genuine appreciation and love for their therapist.
My answer is, yes. Therapy is a place where a client should be able to process any and all emotions, including the feelings and experiences they are having within the therapeutic relationship.
The truth is, there is care, compassion, and understanding that happens in the therapeutic relationship that is so genuine and, dare I say… loving. When a client feels safe enough to say “I love you” it gives them an opportunity to explore this within the context of the client/therapist relationship. It gives the client the ability to process, reflect, and share without shame or guilt. Love is a way of being, it is an expression of care for another. It’s just a feeling—and we all are full of them!
With that being said, it’s okay for a client to feel love for their therapist. The love they feel may be a feeling of appreciation, gratitude, the feeling a client gets from experiencing the unconditional positive regard therapists give their clients; it may be the only relationship the client has felt heard, seen, and understood. This can (and often does) create feelings of love within the client. Therapy is a very appropriate place to talk about it, learn, and grow from it.
The key for therapists is to notice their own experience of a client’s expression of love. What is happening for the therapist? What emotions show up here?
When the therapist is aware of their own experience they are more able to identify counter-transference. Counter-transference is when a therapist brings in their own experiences and in doing so loses the client’s perspective. It is when the therapist’s emotions from their own life affect their responses, or when they let their personal opinions stop them from being objective. It is when a therapist mistakenly prioritizes their own emotions and needs over their clients.
Honestly, counter-transference happens to the best of us. It’s when we are willing to identify it and ask for help that we grow both professionally and personally. Supervision and/or consultation is a good way to guide therapists through their own challenges—it’s a great way to keep moving towards a happy, healthy, and balanced career.
Love within the therapeutic relationship is not wrong. It can be misunderstood, confusing, and/or difficult to express–but that’s what therapy, supervision, and consultation are for. It’s a place to make sense of it all without the guilt, shame, and judgment. It’s a place where you get to be raw and fully human.
Clinical Supervision
Copyright © 2021 Chelsey Fjeldheim, Courage Speaks Counseling
