Success is a word we’re taught to chase. It promises fulfillment, pride, and proof that we’ve “made it.” But what happens when success turns out to be a failure in disguise? Or when failure becomes the very thing that leads us to growth we couldn’t have imagined?

As a therapist, I’ve seen this truth play out in my clients’ lives—and my own. Success and failure are rarely what they seem. Success can look like achieving goals but, in the process, abandoning the deeper values and needs that inspired those goals. Failure can be the breaking point that guides us toward a path of deeper alignment and meaning.

For example, I’ve long held the idea that success in business means helping my clients heal and grow while also building something sustainable for my life and family. In theory, that sounds perfect. But here’s where it can all fall apart: if I focus so much on growing my business that I lose connection—with myself, my values, or the people who matter most—then that “success” becomes a failure. It’s a painful realization, but one that’s impossible to ignore: true success must honor the reasons we sought it in the first place.

Failure, on the other hand, is something most of us want to avoid at all costs. It can feel like a threat, something to hide from or feel ashamed of. But I’ve learned that failure often holds more wisdom than success. It forces us to slow down, to pause, and to get curious.

When failure hits, it’s easy to let self-judgment take over. Parts of us might label it as laziness, weakness, or proof of unworthiness. These parts often carry messages we’ve absorbed from past experiences—that mistakes make us unsafe, that falling short means we’ve failed as people. But when we stop fighting those judgments and instead approach failure with curiosity, it can reveal surprising truths.

I’ve failed successfully many times in my life. Dreams I thought were essential fell apart. Plans I poured my heart into didn’t work out. But those moments, as painful as they were, pushed me to look at parts of myself I’d been ignoring. They led me to connections and growth I wouldn’t have found if my original plans had succeeded.

Failure can teach us if we let it. It can show us where we’re out of alignment, where our goals aren’t actually serving us, and where we need to change direction. But we have to listen to it. We have to be willing to sit with the discomfort and ask: What is this moment trying to tell me?

Success can also be deceptive. When we achieve what we set out to do but find ourselves disconnected from our values, relationships, or well-being, that success is hollow. True success requires more than checking off goals. It asks us to stay connected to who we are and what matters most.

If you’ve been feeling like you’ve failed, I encourage you to get curious about that feeling. What might this failure be teaching you? Where might it be leading you? And if you’re chasing success, ask yourself: Does this success align with the life I want to live? Is it honoring all the parts of me, or is it pulling me away from what truly matters?

Failure and success will always be part of our stories. But they don’t define us. What defines us is how we grow from them—how we let failure break us open in the best way and how we allow success to truly honor the whole of who we are.

Embracing Shadows, Illuminating Hope,
Chelsey Fjeldheim, LCSW
Empowering Souls on the Path of Healing

Copyright © 2025 Chelsey Fjeldheim, Courage Speaks Counseling