Let’s just say it:
The word gaslighting has become the new “toxic.”
It’s everywhere. It’s vague. It’s weaponized. And half the time it’s being used to describe… basic disagreement.
Let’s clear it up.
What gaslighting is:
Gaslighting is a deliberate and repeated attempt to distort your reality so you question your own perception, memory, or sanity. It’s slow. It’s manipulative. It’s insidious. And it’s often used by people in power to avoid accountability.
It sounds like:
- “That never happened.” (when it did)
- “You’re being too sensitive.” (when your reaction is proportionate)
- “You’re remembering it wrong.” (when you’re not)
- “I never said that.” (when they did… three times… in writing)
What gaslighting is not:
- Someone disagreeing with your perspective
- Someone having a different memory
- Someone getting defensive in a hard moment
- A person who’s confused, triggered, or emotionally flooded
- A one-time moment of someone being avoidant, crappy, or overwhelmed
Why this matters:
When we call every uncomfortable interaction gaslighting, we dilute the term so much that it loses its meaning—and the people who are truly being gaslit get lost in the noise.
Plus, labeling someone as a gaslighter (especially in a moment of emotional conflict) can shut down real repair. It becomes a weapon, not a conversation.
So what’s actually happening then?
Maybe they’re defensive.
Maybe they’re dysregulated.
Maybe they’ve never had someone ask them to be accountable before.
Maybe they are dismissing your experience—but not because they’re playing 4D chess with your psyche. Maybe they just suck at conflict.
Not okay? Sure.
Gaslighting? Not necessarily.
The difference is intent + pattern.
Gaslighting isn’t just what is said—it’s the why and the when and the how often.
If someone consistently makes you question your sense of reality, and you feel smaller, more confused, or less trusting of yourself over time—that’s different.
But if it’s a one-off argument and both of you leave spinning, it might be a messy moment between two humans.
(Welcome to relationships.)
Here’s what I wish we’d say instead:
- “That felt dismissive.”
- “I’m noticing I don’t trust myself in this dynamic.”
- “When you said that, I felt really disoriented.”
- “I’m having a hard time knowing what’s real here.”
- “I need more clarity to feel safe.”
Those are powerful. Those are real. Those open doors.
Let’s save the word gaslighting for when it really applies.
Not because it isn’t real—but because it is.
And when it is, it deserves to be named accurately, not diluted into something trendy.
Embracing Shadows, Illuminating Hope,
Chelsey Fjeldheim, LCSW
Empowering Souls on the Path of Healing
Copyright © 2025 Chelsey Fjeldheim, Courage Speaks Counseling
