I was staring at a text message the other day trying to figure out if the person was upset with me. Not because they said they were upset. Because they used a period. Or maybe because they didn’t use an emoji. Or maybe because they took longer than usual to respond.
It’s embarrassing how quickly the mind can go to work filling in blanks nobody actually asked it to fill.
Most of us have done it. Someone says, “I’m fine.” Someone says, “No worries.” Someone says, “Do whatever you want.” And suddenly we’re trying to decode a message that may or may not even exist. We replay conversations. We look for clues. We compare today’s interaction to yesterday’s interaction. We start building stories from very little information.
What’s interesting is how often communication becomes less about what was actually said and more about what happens after it leaves the other person’s mouth. Their words move through our history, our old relationships, our experiences with rejection, disappointment, criticism, and loss. By the time their words reach us, they have often traveled through a lot more than the conversation itself.
Sometimes someone says something completely neutral and it lands as criticism. Sometimes someone offers feedback and it feels like abandonment. Sometimes someone is simply busy and we experience it as being unimportant. The meaning we assign to communication isn’t always coming from the present moment.
I’ve noticed how quickly we can become convinced we know what someone meant, even when they never actually said it.
And to be fair, communication is messy. Human beings are complicated. We don’t always say what we mean. We soften things. We hint at things. We hope people will pick up on things. We expect people to read between lines that were never really written. I’ve done it too. I’ve said things indirectly because it felt kinder. I’ve hoped someone would understand what I meant without me having to actually say it. I’ve tried to avoid hurting feelings, creating tension, or making things awkward.
The funny thing is that interpretation is often what gets us into trouble.
Lately I’ve been finding myself appreciating directness more and more. Not harshness. Not bluntness for the sake of being blunt. Just saying the thing you actually mean. “I was hurt.” “I need some space.” “I’d like more communication.” “I’m not upset. I’m just tired.” There is something surprisingly caring about giving people less guessing to do.
Because the truth is, nobody hears our words in a vacuum. They hear them through everything that’s happened to them before they met us. And we hear theirs the same way.
We can’t completely prevent misunderstanding. Two people can hear the exact same sentence and walk away with entirely different experiences of it. There will always be places where our histories shape what we hear. There will always be moments where someone’s intention and someone else’s interpretation don’t quite meet.
But maybe saying what we mean, as clearly as we can, gives reality a slightly better chance than imagination.
I’ve started noticing how much energy gets spent trying to determine what someone meant, what they were really saying, what was hidden underneath the words. Sometimes there is something underneath. Sometimes there isn’t.
Sometimes the sentence really is just the sentence. Which feels strangely simple.
And maybe simplicity doesn’t solve communication. Maybe it just gives us fewer places to get lost.
Embracing Shadows, Illuminating Hope,
Chelsey Fjeldheim, LCSW
Empowering Souls on the Path of Healing
Copyright © 2026 Chelsey Fjeldheim, Courage Speaks Counseling
