We like to believe that if we’re in a relationship with someone, we’re in the same relationship. One shared thing. One truth.
But here’s the quieter reality: every relationship is actually two parallel experiences with a messy, beautiful overlap in the middle.
Think about it. The relationship you’re having with someone isn’t the exact same one they’re having with you. Your experience is shaped by your history, your nervous system, your meaning-making. Theirs is shaped by theirs. You might both use the same words—love, trust, commitment—but the flavor of those words will never match exactly.
That doesn’t make one right and the other wrong. It just means your relationship is more like a Venn diagram than a perfect circle.
The overlap is where it feels like us. The rest is where it feels like me with you. Both matter.
We try to solve this with communication. If I explain clearly enough, if we talk it through, we’ll finally be in the same place. But words can only carry us so far. Language is slippery. My “love” won’t ever mean precisely what your “love” means. And maybe that’s okay.
Because the truth of a relationship isn’t found in definitions. It’s found in resonance. Do I feel seen enough in you that I want to keep opening? Do you feel met enough in me that you want to stay? That’s the real measure.
And here’s the absurd part: no two people can ever truly know if they’re having the same experience. Not fully. At best, we just keep listening for echoes. We notice the music in the overlap and decide whether it’s worth singing together again tomorrow.
So maybe the question isn’t, Are we in the same relationship? Maybe it’s, How do I show up knowing our experiences will never be identical?
Because your experience of us is yours. Theirs is theirs. And the relationship you’re in is built out of what you’re willing to bring from that awareness—your honesty, your presence, your choice to stay curious about what happens in the space where your worlds touch.
Embracing Shadows, Illuminating Hope,
Chelsey Fjeldheim, LCSW
Empowering Souls on the Path of Healing
Copyright © 2025 Chelsey Fjeldheim, Courage Speaks Counseling
